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If you're involved with a married man, Dr. Phil says it's time to re-evaluate your situation.
Dr. byoga23.info - Advice - Dating a Married Man "He isn't your soul mate, a soul mate would NEVER put you second." "Relationships that form from affairs have a.
If you've gone into a marriage and you haven't been clear about how you're going to handle money, how you want to raise kids, who is going to work or stay home or what have you, then you've set yourself up for failure.
The good news is you can still get on the same page. But to do that, you have to be realistic about what a marriage is. If you're sitting there thinking that it's supposed to be date nights and rose petals all over the bed and all good times, you are bound to be seriously disappointed. There is nothing wrong with your marriage if you're dealing with bills and kids and the broken garbage disposal and in-laws and work demands. That's a normal marriage. But if you never thought that's what marriage would involve, then you're going to be upset and you're going to think there's something wrong.
So right away, you need to get clear: This isn't a long date. It's a marriage. Robin: Phillip and I were together two and a half, almost three, years before we got married, and we used that entire time to learn. It was important that I learn about what sort of husband he wanted to be, and for him to learn what kind of wife I wanted to be, and what kind of mother I wanted to be, how I wanted to live my life as his wife.
And then we were able to approach it from a point of "How do we want to create this life together? Phil: And it's never too late to do that.
It's not too late to sit down with your husband and say, "I think we need to come to an understanding about what I can give to you, and what you can give to me, and what we can really expect from each other. And I think it's important to talk about potential problems while you're in smooth water. Don't wait until you're in a crisis to come up with a crisis plan. Phil: Couples just don't know what to expect when it comes to handling money in a marriage. They don't realize what it takes to set up a household.
They don't realize how expensive it is to have children. And so before long, racking up debt has become a way of life, and they're so mired down that it can feel hopeless. But the answer is, they've got to come up with a plan that they'll commit to, and have the emotional integrity to stick with that plan. Look, it's math, it's not magic. It's not: We need this, we deserve this, we want this.
You either have the money or you don't. I mean, I grew up really poor, and so did Robin, so we were on a cash basis growing up. It was: You work today, you eat today. You don't work today, you don't eat today. It's just that simple. So first, you have to get real about what a fixed expense is. Because frankly, there aren't many. Food and shelter, that's about it.
Cable TV is not a fixed expense.
How to Stop Seeing a Married Guy
Your cell phone is not a fixed expense. Internet access is not a fixed expense. If you're trying to get out of debt, you have to be willing to treat everything as expendable.
And be in this together: You make the plan together, you negotiate it, you execute it, and you live by it together. Don't make it about how he has to stop spending so much or you need more money for your hobbies.
Be in it together, and come up with a realistic plan. And if you can't stick to it, sit down with your spouse and renegotiate. Don't make it about blame or recrimination.
Make sure you both realize that you're in this together. Robin: One thing that I think was always very important in our relationship is that when it came to money, just because I didn't work outside the home didn't mean I wasn't contributing to the well-being of the household. The day we got married, I quit my job and quit school and then I was a stay-at-home mom.
But Phillip never had the attitude or the opinion that it was his money and he would bring it home and tell me what to do with it. You do have to negotiate whenever an issue comes up. Don't just spend the money and then say, "Hey, this is what it costs, deal with it. I ran our household budget, and he really didn't have the first idea about what anything would cost, so we would have ongoing conversations about what I needed to buy, and what he needed to expect.
Dr. Phil - Interview with Phil McGraw and Wife - Marriage Advice
Phil: It's fine for one person to be the money manager, the person who actually pays the bills. But it still has to be a partnership. I hate it when I meet with a couple and one of them says, "Oh, well, he handles all the bills. You both need to participate in this plan.
Phil: First of all, I don't believe in divided loyalties. When you get married, your loyalty, first and foremost, is to your spouse, and to the family that you create together. You know the saying that good fences make good neighbors?
Well, sometimes electrified fences make for good in-laws. Now, that's not to say that you shouldn't be close to your family. But if you're in a situation where your mother-in-law is constantly butting into your life and offering opinions, and you feel like your husband is always siding with her rather than you…. Guess whose problem that is? It's not yours. It's your husband's. Each person should take care of their own family tree, because you've got the most history with your mom, and he's got the most history with his parents.
Therefore, if you've got a mother who is just on your husband's case all the time about this or that, or how you ought to be raising your kids, step up and say something to her.
Don't make it your husband's battle. And accordingly, if your mother-in-law is getting on your last nerve, say to your husband: "She's your mother, you get her to back off. Make it clear: She's your mother, you get her under control.
You get her outside the electric fence; you get her to stop encroaching on our life. Robin: Our oldest son, Jay, is married now, so I'm able to offer the mother-in-law's perspective. When Jay and Erica were first engaged, people were joking with me because I've wanted a grandchild for as long as I can remember Phil: You've wanted one since the day we got married.
Robin: So when they announced that they were engaged, I immediately started saying, "Oh, I want a grandbaby!
I want a grandbaby! I said to her later, "I want to apologize, because it wasn't right for me to say that, even in jest. I don't want you to think that I'd put that kind of pressure on you or make you uncomfortable.
Phil: It's great if the in-laws themselves put up boundaries.
But if they won't, it's up to their grown kids to do it, and enforce them. Phil: If parents aren't united in terms of discipline, rewards, lifestyle, focus, morals, values — all the things that ultimately define who that child becomes — then the child is going to be a product of inconsistency, and that creates confusion.
The number one situation to avoid is any sort of good-cop, bad-cop parenting setup, where Mom's always kind of indulgent and Dad is a harsh drill sergeant. Children want stability, they want predictability, they want consistency.
They want to know that parents speak with one voice — and let me say that this even applies in a divorce situation.
What is the law in one household should be the law in the other; parents can be divorced but still remain united in what is and is not OK for their kids.
But negotiations about what sort of rules and discipline you're going to enforce need to take place outside of a child's presence. Trust Factors You are dating a married man, after all. This means he has been dishonest with his wife. How can you trust him when it comes to your relationship? What kind of person takes up with someone else while still married? He might tell you he and his wife are both OK with the situation, but you just don't know. He might say his wife is a horrible person and try to put her down, but again, you don't know.
It's not a good sign that he'll cheat on someone instead of being honest and working on the relationship. If his wife really is as horrible as he says she is, that calls into question his taste and judgment in women. If he has a pattern of not choosing the right woman for him, that doesn't bode well for your relationship. Guilt Issues You don't know the nature of his relationship with his wife. However, when you put yourself in his wife's shoes, you see things differently.
How would you feel if that happened to you? But in this situation, you are the other woman and you are coming between him and his family. Guilt can set in as you think about what you are doing to his wife.
Loneliness and Depression You're going to spend many nights alone when you date a married man. He might give you the excuse that he needs to do something with the kids.
You might go a week or more without seeing him. If this goes on for years, you will suffer a lot to live your relationship around his life and schedule. You basically will live according to his whims.
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